What Can these Fingers Do?

Life gets really boring when you suddenly can't do any of the hobbies that you love. I'm improvising.

I have always created with my hands. I am a crafter and my mother is a crafter and my Nana was a crafter too. The urge to make useful things that look pretty is in my blood.

I have always pulled my sewing thread a little too tight. Pressed my pencil down on the paper a little too hard. I crochet like I'm teaching the yarn a lesson. I am rough with my hands, but they create details that I admire.

I love to write. I love to hold a pen and watch the ink loop and scratch on the page. Voice typing is different, and less satisfying. It doesn’t even work all the time, and I always have to fix my grammar with the keyboard anyway.

My arms are disabled now. It could be nerve damage, or arthritis, or both. I’m still getting tests done. When my college clinic first told me it was from overuse, I really believed them. I thought, I do use my hands too much. I was writing multiple pages by hand every single day. I used my computer all the time to type my notes and essays. I was playing video games in my free time, and constantly creating something with my hands, as I have always done.

I was told that if I just wear a brace for six weeks and avoid these activities, I would be back to normal. It’s been six months, and now the pain is in both of my arms. I haven’t been able to do my favorite activities without pain since February, and I’m still adjusting.

Often it hurts to do even the simplest of tasks. I have to be very careful and slow now when I'm opening a jar, or a door. When it's severe, I ask other people for help. I feel ashamed sometimes when I do, because my condition isn't visible. I'm trying to power through that though, and I’m hoping that I can get more accommodations when I go back to school.

I love writing. I love drawing. But now it hurts to hold a pencil for more than a minute. I can't use a utensil like a paintbrush. Sometimes it hurts to use a fork. A fucking fork. I feel ridiculous sometimes.

I’ve been trying to find hobbies that don’t use your hands, but that rules out almost everything. When I googled the hobbies that were suggested to people who had wrist surgery, someone recommended that for fun, you can hold your tongue out and see how long it takes to dry. Needless to say, I am pretty bored.

I’m giving a go at fingerpainting. It doesn’t require a utensil and I can’t make very intricate details, so it’s less damaging than other art forms. It’s still not painless, but I’m enjoying myself.

I'm not doing anything fancy; I'm just using cheap canvases and acrylic paint. I keep a cup of water next to me to dip my fingers in and a rag to wipe them off. I use my pinky to do the smallest strokes, but you can only do so much with a pinky rather than a brush. I'll probably buy bigger canvases in the future. I'm imagining that this will be a hobby that I turn to often during this coming semester.

I've made three paintings so far.

My first one is called “They Dream”. I messed up doing the background, but it's okay because it's my first one. The next paintings have a lot more bold colors because I'm layering the paint better. It's supposed to be kind of a self-portrait. I was mostly just improvising and making shapes and experimenting with the kind of lines I could draw with my fingers. The yellow Road I'm walking down reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. I think I used the darker blue for my arms and my spine, to represent my nerve problems. I have it as the focus of my altar right now, and I have healing runes placed where my arms are.

This one is called “Satanic Gay Agenda”. When I got out all the paint that I had, I wanted to make a rainbow, but I also had the urge to make something ominous. I first thought that maybe I could make something bloody with the red. But I didn't have that much to work with. So, I just started with making the rainbow and saw what came to me. And it was a goat eye. I'm thinking of it as a reference to Baphomet.

This is my third painting. It's untitled. My first idea was that of a zombie coming out of the ground, and then I had the idea to put my name on the gravestone. I wanted to make it a landscape portrait, so, I started making the background the same way that I learned to with the Bob Ross tutorials that i used to paint to. I used the tip of my fingernail to create the stars. I added some pink to the red on my hand to look like open wounds. My best friend suggested that I add worms to the dirt. This was a good test to see if I could recreate an image in my mind with my fingers, and I passed.

It felt a little dangerous to create this, as if painting my name on a gravestone somehow sealed my fate. It felt creepy as soon as I finished writing my name, so I was determined to draw the zombie hand on top as soon as it dried. Now I am The Walking Dead. I am reborn. The painting was less scary now.

It still felt like it was missing something. Maybe some more shading and depth, but I don't feel experienced enough to experiment with that. I feared that I'd ruin the painting in the process. And yet, I still decided to paint completely over it in yellow anyway. I have something better in mind.

I'm finding out that if I mess up, I can just put another layer on top. These paintings were mostly a test drive. I want to do more abstract work in the future. I want to see what kind of shapes I can make with my fingerprints. I want to use thicker splotches of paint to experiment with texture. I want to try creating without an image in mind, and just see what these fingers can do.