We Ignore Pain So We Can Survive

the power of adrenaline + a woman burning her past away // an action-horror poem

“Help me, Lord, from these fantasies in my head.
They ain't ever been safe ones."
- Beyonce, "DAUGHTER"

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It all happened so fast.
She said "Let's calm down."
When she went to light the candle, she didn't know he would throw the bottle at her. 

Alcohol took to flame, and she was surrounded by puddles of fire on the carpet
Then the couch was burning too, and the curtains, and the -
Shouting, something shiny in the corner of her eye, and big arms coming towards her
She turned away from him 
and she ran through the flames. 

He followed, roaring
As the fire roared
Throwing things at her
As the house threw its pieces at her

He caught her at the end of the hallway
Object in his hand, gripping her side in a way that made her twist her spine, and then, a ripping sound
She punched him dead in the nose

Twin red rivers running down his chin, shock in his eyes, and she went for them 
Thumbs pressing into his eyelids, she was climbing up him
To kill him Now. Today. 
Swatting at her hands, he fell flat on his back 
A THUD and a wet crack when his head smashed against the floor 
She mounted his chest and punched again
But he had already stopped moving

She stepped over him and left through the front door
Patting the sparks that had caught on her skirt 
She walked on, eyes wide and expressionless
Away from the burning house
Away from the boyfriend 
Away from the past

When the adrenaline wore off,
She noticed a crunching sound
Finally looked down, 
and collapsed to her knees

Glass shards were skewered through her feet, pressing between bone and the rocks she walked on
She looked back to the house.
A trail of bloody footprints had followed her, 
but he was nowhere in sight.

Silence except for the crack of flames, the wooden beams crashing down. 
All she could smell was smoke and the stench of her sweat, but she had no time to be embarrassed.

Something hurt.
There was blood gushing out her side.
A sharpness in her stomach she hadn't noticed
She could see parts of her abdomen that she had never seen before
Wet organs exposed to the dry, deprived air caused by the flames engulfing the house behind her 

It was only then that she felt the depth of her pain, 
and she screamed until she couldn't anymore.

She woke in a bright, white room,
tubes running between her and the machines around her bed.

Her home was gone. 
Her love was gone. 
Her dignity left long before this.
Still, she eventually decided,
It's not over yet for me.