leaving college helped me write again

I haven't found my style yet. I think practice will get me there. I have an idea of what I like and don't like, based on what I’ve been reading. I just can't really tell yet how it applies to me. I need more feedback. Speaking of which....

Anyway,

When I read back over what I write, I can tell that something is off, that something needs to be improved, but I'm not sure how to make it better. I've been giving up on my idea of what perfect is and posting things as they are, because frankly, my skills just aren't there yet. I can't make a masterpiece because I don't have the practice of a master. Every artist must start somewhere!

I used to be afraid of being a work in progress; of publicly making mistakes and failing and being mediocre. I am young and foolish and it's okay.

Up until 2022, a huge part of my confidence was based on how well I did in academics, specifically how confident I was that what I submitted was the best I could offer. I have some learning disabilities - autism and ADHD - and that combined with the pressure had me turning work in weeks late, sometimes months. It caused me a lot of psychological stress and insomnia. I didn't feel comfortable talking much with my professors and classmates because I always felt like I was behind. And I was, really, at a certain point I only engaged with what we were learning to the point that I could complete an essay. I couldn't even skim my readings. I was too exhausted. It made me depressed.

I started this blog shortly before I left school. My main reason for leaving has been to treat my medical issues, but there's been other benefits. I think separating myself from the expectations of school, and the grading of my work, has released me to write as I please.

When I eventually finish my degree, I'm choosing a program that allows me to take all or most of my courses Pass/Fail. I don't want a GPA anymore. The pressure is unnecessary and too much. (My GPA has always been pretty high. I was tripping over nothing.) If I'm getting my degree no matter my GPA, if passing my classes is all I need to do, that's all I want to ask of myself!

And from what I can tell, schools that offer a Pass/Fail option tend to ask professors to give written feedback instead. That would be fantastic for me. I want to grow as a student, and as a writer. I want to be engaged, live in the moment, take note on how I can improve, and have the space to make those changes. I don't want to work for school, I want school to work for me. I'm paying for it, aren't I?

I have the ability to learn and I don't need to prove it anymore. I know it, and I'll go where I am recognized.

College is complicated. For most people it's a privilege, and for some people it's the only path they see for themselves. I was in both categories, I guess. I was the first in my immediate family to go to college, and I got a huge financial need grant to attend a private school, but I only followed that path because I thought it was my best chance at long-term success.

When you grow up surrounded by poverty, seeing how uncommitted employers are to "unskilled" labor, how people with families are treated as replaceable, you want to find another path. Some people take the smart route and learn a trade, and a lot of people sit with dreams of getting rich off what they love, not knowing how to make it happen. College kids are something in-between, taking the most expensive option with the highest risk to reward ratio, hoping their discipline will be enough to graduate to a better place than before.

The truth is that the outcomes for these hopeful kids are getting worse as time goes on.

Most people I know who have graduated college are not in careers they were learning for. A lot of them have gone back home to work in fast food and grocery stores, because those places are consistently firing and hiring. Entry level positions in their specialties still want work experience, and even when people do get jobs that suit them, sometimes they find that they can't get full-time hours. The underemployment rate for recent college graduates is 52%. First generation and low-income students tend to be even less successful than their peers because we don't have the ability to network as well.

All things considered, I wish I Ieft school sooner! Going to college in another state got me out of the South, and into a place with a better safety net. I don't regret going when I did, but when it got too difficult to keep up with school, I wish I had listened to my body. I needed to take a break from the very beginning. It took 6 semesters for me to give up, and I wish I had saved myself the heartache.

If you're a high school student who wants to go to college next, I want to take a second and urge you to reconsider that decision. College is a great choice for a lot of people, and an experience I wish every American had the right to have. But it's not always the best way to spend your time in those formative years after high school. Really consider what works for your situation, your goals, and your personality. College should be a logical next step that you are prepared for, not something you rush into.

Anyway, back to writing!

I'm noticing a pattern with myself - I'll have a few weeks of nonstop reading then a few weeks of not being able to finish any book, but having an overwhelming amount of things to write about. I need to practice actually opening my notes app more when I feel swamped in those thoughts.

When I get like this (inspired isn't the right word. It's urgent), it's a full body experience. It's hard to sleep, hard to swallow. I'm rigid, my blood pressure rises, I blink less, and I feel confused and frustrated until I figure it out. Then it's release, then getting frustrated again with the words, and then more release, and a sense of completion. A sense of fullness. It was not all for nothing.

I'm not satisfied with the way I write yet, though. My voice feels... Stilted. I think my sentence structure and my poetry are both strong, but I get caught up in wanting to include all the details. I'm simultaneously holding back and trying to take some risks. Sticking to a familiar structure but breaking the grammar rules a little bit. I'm experimenting, but I'm not doing anything new that I can really identify yet.

I think that my poetry voice is stronger than my prose, but my thoughts don't come to me in poetry. When I write poetry it usually starts off with emotional sentences in my notes app. I use metaphors and strong vocabulary, then I fragment what I wrote into stanzas and build from there. You might actually be able to tell that from the punctuation in some of my poems.

It is easier for emotional weight to be recognized in poetry. Poetry makes love and pain digestible in a way that an explanation can't. Logic doesn't work, it makes the message too abrasive and specific to be listened to with an open mind. Vibes are the most effective tool for accomplishing most of what I write about.

Just vibes.

I'm still too technical. Must break free!

I've been writing stories since I was little. I used to write scripts in a notebook and reenact the scenes with my toys. Those were my happiest moments, alone in my room with my Littlest Pet Shop toys and my journal. I created worlds and they were all mine.

I think writing has always been a part of my life, an important one, and I've neglected it for too long. I've let the world warp my passion. I've let it warp how I express myself. Fuck you, world!