Hip Recovery Journal: Day 21
Healing is not linear and pain sucks but at least I have Pokémon and books and friends
(Warning: pictures are included at the end of a before/after of my incision scars and bruising. Somewhat graphic.)
I got to Rank 6 in Pokémon Legends: Arceus before the nerve pain in my arms and hands finally flared up and got in the way. I was shocked it took 2 weeks of being on crutches, but it still caught up to me. Maybe I got a little overzealous with the gaming.
My friend loaned me his switch for my surgery recovery, and I'd have been a bored mess without it. I got 7 books from the library, and 1 loaned from a friend, and I could not comfortably read any of them from my position of laying down with my foot propped up higher than my heart. But now that my hands are hurting too much to game, and my foot is taking a longer time to swell, I'm dipping my toes in reading again.
I’m starting with a self-help book written by a doctor on relationships with narcissistic people. I started it way back last year and it was on my list for a while. I've got less than 100 pages left and the writing is not challenging. It's pretty accessible, reading level wise, and I like that in nonfiction. It's easier for me to read this right now when I'm getting back into focusing on written word.
I miss Pokémon though. I miss the finger-eye coordination. The ability to take part in some action while I'm forced to lay so still. I try playing for a few minutes and then my wrists spasm and I have to make myself stop. This has been the normal for me for 3.5 years now - limiting my hobbies that use my hands due to pain. But it was nice to enjoy this decrease of upper body pain while it lasted, while my brain has been so focused on the pain in my operated leg instead.
This shit happening with my leg, y'all? My God. It took me so long to post another update because the pain and confusion prevented me from finding the words. On Day 2 I was still riding the wave of anesthesia and feeling thrilled that I got the surgery done, to begin with. The first few days were easy-going. On Day 5 the pain took a turn for the worse and it did not start going down for 7 more days. I lived through the worst of it without using the opiates I was prescribed, because I had already put them away, assuming the worst was over. In hindsight I wish I had had the clarity to use them. But I became borderline non-functional in my pain. I could not think clearly.
I can't even say that this is the worst pain I've experienced in my life. It's not. I've experienced a 10 and this was not a 10. I would say it got to be a pain level of 8, and that's with taking ibuprofen and Tylenol on rotation. The most disturbing part about this pain was simply where I felt it. That part psychologically fucked me up and I still feel pretty fucked up by it.
Never in my life before have I been acutely aware of the muscles and ligaments surrounding my hip socket joint, spasming because they've been cut into and are trying to heal. I did not expect that sensation and I could do without that memory. If I could pluck it out of my head, I would.
Something I've been telling people to get across how severe this surgery is, and how alone in it I feel, is that this surgical recovery is in some ways more intense than a total hip replacement. With a hip replacement, they replace all the damaged parts built for movement, and remove the nerve that's attached to creating pain in that area. With a labrum repair for impingement, they cut through every layer of tissue, cut off some bone, clean the cartilage area up, add some supporting anchors, and leave all the parts in their place. My body has to heal all these tissues, I have more mobility restrictions to protect my natural structures, and because I still have that nerve, I feel every bit of it.
I don't know anyone who's had arthroscopic hip surgery, and I could probably find plenty of folk who've had hip replacements, but I don't think they'd be able to relate to me on this experience. They're totally different surgeries with different protocols.
I wasn't prepared enough going into this surgery, and I recognize that now. I knew there were things I couldn't possibly prepare for because this is my first major surgery, and I have no idea what to expect. But the doctors have done this surgery time and time again. There was key information that the doctors failed to tell me before going into this, like warning me about how my medicines interact. I am my own primary caretaker in this recovery, and waiting to tell me my (inaccurate) pain plan until after my surgery was a mistake. I should have had time to prepare my pain plan before anesthesia. It would have saved me suffering and confusion.
They did not send me home with the assistive devices I needed, did not give me clarity on my weight-bearing restriction, and I had to wait for my home physical therapist to help me in these areas. It was distressing, I was putting my body in unnatural positions because I was scared and trying to protect it, and this put a fork in my recovery that was unnecessary.
It's been a week since I got the clarity, tools, and medication updates that I needed. I think my recovery should go smoother now, but I'm still angry. I've got some messages through to the surgeon's office, and I talked to a patient advocate, but I don't think there's anything that can be done here. The time when I needed the most help is over and they failed me. They are more focused on the surgery itself than my recovery at home. They do surgeries everyday. They don't want to make time to understand my particular situation. That's just how this for-profit healthcare system works.
So maybe I should just suck it up, because this happens to everyone, right? No, because I deserved better, and I think other people do too. So I'll say my piece, even if it goes nowhere.
Regardless... Of my anger, and my constantly squashed desire to trust doctors... I am still doing my exercises. Right now it's a series of 6 different moves, with 10 reps, 1-3 times a day. That, plus doing laps around the apartment, practicing putting my bad foot on the ground. We went from 3 to 6 moves and it doesn't feel like much in the moment, but the exhaustion hits hard the next day. I feel like I have to sleep 14 hours a day. I'm not really keeping track but that's how often I think I'm dozing off. I keep laying down to prop up my foot for "just a few minutes" only to nap for 3 hours.
The healing for this is not linear whatsoever. Every time I think I've gotten to the point where my foot is swelling slower, or I can cut back on a pain medication, or do this move without pain, I am proven wrong. I am doing better than last week but that's not saying a lot. I have a ways to go.
I have no idea what I would have done without the help of friends right now. 6 months ago, I did not have a sufficient support system to go through with this surgery. I would have needed a visiting caretaker that I'm not sure my insurance would have covered. I feel blessed to have found these friends in time for when I need so much support.
People have been coming over to wash my dishes, water my plants, do my laundry, empty my trash, even my litter box. They've been bringing me delicious vegan food from local restaurants, and standing by while I cook to help me safely dump boiling water in the sink. It feels supportive even for people to stay and talk with me for a few hours, and let me rest while they change my ice pack, or fill my water bottle, or get my meds for me. It's really nice. I'll still need support for a few more weeks to take the load off myself. Yesterday was the first time I was able to stand long enough to wash dishes on my own, and I needed a nap afterwards. A 3 hour one.
I'm at the point now where I'm mostly using cannabis for pain, but an opiate every other day, usually after I go a little too hard with the exercises. I'm trying to go easy on myself but it's hard. I want to be better, quickly. I feel trapped in my body. It can't do what I want it to do right now. In 3 weeks, that should look a lot different though.
For now, I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing. My exercises, and increasing my tolerance for standing up to do things like cook. Getting through this simply-written nonfiction book so I can hopefully immerse myself in all the fiction I got to entertain myself. The library deadlines are approaching... What a nail biter!
I am honestly so tired and kinda bored and disheartened. My world should open up again soon.
I have to remind myself to keep perspective on this. I got this surgery for the purpose of fixing a chronic pain that had become all day, everyday, regardless of position. It got to the point where I limited my daily walks and trips down the stairs, because I knew it would take a toll and get in the way of my basic needs, like walking to work, or the bus stop for my appointments. I wouldn't even let myself walk to the corner store more than once a month. All things considered, my quality of life should improve because of this surgery. It's just hard to see that clearly now.
(Warning: Picture Time!)
