Fear of Peace

learning normality after post-traumatic stress // a poem

It's been a relaxing day at work
Good tips, good jokes from customers
Nobody lingering for too long
A lot of stocking and a lot of reading
I catch myself smiling
Repeating what someone said long after they're gone
Laughing to myself 

It's in these moments
When I put my guard down
That my chest will suddenly tighten
I fear something is coming
Someone is waiting to hear me laugh
A warm, crisp sound 
That signals that it's time to strike 
I am not allowed a moment of peace

This must be what it feels to be haunted
Those monsters are gone, long gone
But I still see their faces moving in memory 
I feel their presence, the ghost of them in people I speak to
A lingering evil
A lingering desire
A bottomless well of need

That I can't fix
I don't try to fix anymore
And that, that is where my fear lies
I was never supposed to wake up.
Now I've made the monsters angry. 

The music stops. The speaker is dead. 
Suddenly I am aware of how loud my thoughts are 
I hold my breath 
The floorboards above me creak
Footsteps coming down the stairs
The door swings open, 
The bell chimes, and
and it was just the wind