Back the Fuck Up.
post-Pride Month feelings about queer identity, and a memory from middle school.
"Back the fuck up."
I said it through gritted teeth. I was standing in front of my friend, between him and his bully. I glared up at him. The boy was a foot taller than me and he had a doppelganger on either side. White boys with overgrown Bieber haircuts who think it's okay to touch the gay kid. I heard they were talking shit and now it escalated to this. Losers. Idiots. Not on my watch.
"Back the fuck up."
"Back the fuck up."
"Back the fuck up.
I just kept saying it. I couldn't think of anything else.
I was spitting it with venom. They were talking back but I wasn’t listening. I was so angry that I was moving closer to them without intending to. Their expressions changed from smugness to unease.
"Back the fuck up."
"Back the fuck up."
And they were backing up. They were looking side-to-side. My voice was loud and the rest of the kids waiting for their cars were looking at us. What are those assholes doing over there in the corner with the gays and the dyed hair freaks who like them? Why is a girl yelling? What's happening? Like usual, the teachers just stood there.
"Back the FUCK up."
"Back the FUCK up."
I started putting my arms and my chest into it. I didn't want to fight but I had the adrenaline to. They got too close. I made my eyes as wide as possible to look as crazy as possible.
"I said BACK THE FUCK UP!"
His boys were starting to leave him, walking off to the side. Finally, he turned and walked away.
"Whatever... But I'll be back."
He didn’t come back. The bully stayed away from us for the rest of the year, and I stared daggers into him whenever he passed. Word spread. There was value in intimidation. That day, I became someone not to be crossed.
You don't fuck with my friends.
I had a strong desire to protect my kin, my queer family, before I recognized what I was.
When I was 12, I watched a video on YouTube of same-sex couples proposing to each other and kissing afterward. It was earth-shattering for me. I had never seen a man kiss a man before. I didn't know that was a thing that could happen. I asked my mom about it, and she told me that homosexuality is an abomination and that those people in the video are going to hell.
When I was 13, my mother told me to pray before sleep and I would cry to God instead. Even if the Bible says being gay is an abomination, why would God want to stop people from loving each other? Why would he send my friend to hell for that? The love I saw in that video (and in a lot of other videos since then) looked real. It might have even looked more real than the straight proposals I saw, because of how much they're up against. It takes passion. I started learning about politics.
When I was 14, I stopped believing in God. I stopped forcing myself to be friendly with people my parents thought I was "supposed" to like. Most of my friends from this point on were queer people or people of color. Lots of bullying happened this year.
When I was 15, I came out as bisexual to everyone except my parents. Because that's how it was. I knew what they believed. They couldn't take away my comfort in being myself everywhere else, because I never let them see it.
I am grateful to my younger self for carrying me through. You did it in secrecy, but you were still bold and clever about it. Eventually, when you were 18, you did come out. You did try to bridge the gap. It didn't go well, but that's okay.
Nothing they say can change who you are. You are more free now than ever. Hope builds with time, and space. You’re 23 now, and you have a bright future ahead of you. I promise you that it’s worth it to wait and see.
I want to write to queer kids past, present, and future, who feel unwanted by their family or their community. Love, acceptance, and peace are out there if you have the desire to find it. Everything you've taken for granted can change in a few years. Take it day by day.
I write this in honor of Charlie, my old friend. I miss you and I love you and you're gonna make your dreams happen someday. I need to see it.
Here’s a video from 10 years ago. Look how far we’ve come <3